I was too Drunk

A 10 year old boy is skateboarding in the park he has a smoke hanging out his mouth he goes by a old man sitting on a park bench the old man notices this and Ask the boy when did u start smoking the kid says at 7 and the kid says I’ve also had sex the old man says at what age the kid says I can't remember I was Too drunk.

She Screams out

A young priest was tempted by sins of the Flesh and astonishingly went to a call girl.
Being unable to hold his emotions, he screams out:
"My Daughter, the Lord is with us..."
"Well, in that case, you’re paying double..."

Go to the Toilet

One day i go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella da waitress i wanna 2 piss toast. She bringa me only 1 piss. I tell her i wanna 2 piss. She say go to da toilet. I say she no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She sat u better no piss on the plate son of a bitch. I dont know the lady and she call me a son of a bitch.
Later i go to have soma lunch at Drake restuarant, the waitress bring me a spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her i wanna fock. She tells me everybody wanna fock. I tella her she no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say u better no fock on the table u son of a bitch. I dont even know her and she call me a son of a bitch.
So i go back to my room inna hotel , and there’s no sheet on my bed. I calla da manager and tella him i wanna sheet. He tella me go to da toilet. So i say u no understand, i wanna sheet on da bed. He say u better not shit on the bed u son of a bitch. I dont even know da man and he call me a son of a bitch.
I go to checkout and the man at the counter say peace on u. I say piss on u too u son of a bitch.
I go back to italy!!!

Come Down The Hall

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Lesbian blonde and screw driver

A dumb blonde walks into a drum and asks for a roll. The drum asks, "What’s the difference between a lesbian blonde, and a truck driver?" "Ummm." The dumb blonde says, "I don’t know." ""Well, one is a truck driver, and the other....well the other is a screw driver!!!!" ((Drumroll please))

Blonde dropped the feather

There is a dumb blonde and a feather and a cliff. someone told the dumb blonde to go jump of a cliff and take the feather with you. when you get to the top of the cliff drop the feather over the cliff and see if you can land first. so the blonde went over to the top of a cliff and dropped the feather. witch one landed first the feather or the blonde. the feather, because the blonde forgot the directions.

Husband's Shocked face

Blonde licked the condom clean then weeks went by and she went to the doctor and she found out that she had aids she got mad because it was that condom that gave her aids she blamed the married man and then when he went to confess to his wife she said im the one who gave her the condom im the one who gave her the note im the one who gave her the aids her husband with a shocked face said OH MY GOD..................your a man??

It's stupid I know

A Sardar is driving and he sees a farm. he stops his car and asks the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The famer says "yea" so the Sardar guesses and he is right. So he is going back to his car with the "sheep" and the farmer says "thats no sheep! thats a dog!!"
hahah its stupid I know.

Blonde read it slowly

There are these two sisters one is a blonde and one is a brunette, and they inherit $91 from their aunt who died. They have a cow, the brunette is looking in the newspaper, and sees an ad for somebody selling a bull, so she tells the blonde ’i’m going to go check out the bull and if it’s the one we want i’ll tell you to come with the horse trailer.’ so the brunette goes and likes the bull so she buys the bull for $90 she goes to telegram and says ’i want to send a telegram to my sister to tell her to come with the horse trailer. now how much is it?’ he replies ’it’s $1 a word.’ so the brunette sits there for a while then she says ’make it say COMFORTABLE.’ and the guy responds ’will she know what to do from that?’ and the brunette says ’yeah, she’s a blonde she’ll read it slow: COM-FOR-TA-BLE (come for the bull)

A very nice house

A Sardar man goes to A Blonde and says "me dont feal well" the Blonde replys "when I dont feel well I sleep with my wife" the next day the Sardar man comes back and tells the Blonde"you have a very nice house"

What is so funny

Sardar and Blonde get married and go to the city for their honeymoon. They go into their hotel room for the night and get in bed, and neither of them knows what to do now.
They look out the window and see some sailors outside. "I'll bet they can help us!" says the husband, and runs downstairs.
A sailor comes up back with him. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor several feet away from the bed. "Now I want you to watch me carefully, but no matter what I do, do not step out of the circle," says the sailor.
The husband is standing in the circle while the sailor proceeds to make wild passionate love to the wife for a few hours.
The sailor stands up afterwards and sees that the husband is giggling. "What's so funny?!" asks the sailor. The husband answers, "I stepped out of the circle three times, and you didn't even notice!"

I mean her legs

Crazy is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children.
Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Has picture on it

A blonde woman was speeding down the street,when she realized she was being pulled over.The blonde pulls over to the side of the road.The blonde woman cop gets of the car, and walks over.She asks the blonde for I.D.,the blonde asks what does it look like.The blonde cop says,"its square and it has your picture on it.So the blonde looks through her purse and pulls out a mirror and opens it,she asks is this it?The blonde cop takes it and looks at it and says," im sorry i didnt know you were a cop"

can't stop laughing

A blonde storms into her house banging doors and shouting at her boyfriend as she’s just heard that he’s been seeing another women."This is the final straw!" she shrieks."I’m going to kill myself!" She grabs a loaded pistol and holds it to her head.Her boyfriend thinks this is ridiculous and can’t stop laughing at her."I don’t know why you’re laughing!"she screams "You’re next!!!"

Miles away By now

A blonde is round at a friend’s house for a barbeque when she comes running into the kitchen and tells her friend she’s just been stung on the hand by a bee."Oh dear,"says her friend sympathetically"Do you want to put some ointment on it?" "Don’t be silly!" laughs the blonde."It’ll be miles away by now!""

Breathe in Breathe out

A blonde goes to the hairdressers with her walkman on. When it gets to her turn the hairdresser says "can you take your walkman off please" and she replies "oh no i can never take it off, just cut around it" so she does. A couple of weeks later she is back again the hairdresser asks to take her walkman off and she gets the same answer. When she is having her hair cut she falls asleep and the hairdresser sneaks her walkman off.When she has finished she tries to wake the blonde but she is dead.She picks up the walkman and it is saying "breathe in,breathe out!

Mosquito stops sucking

Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do" and a blonde says "any cock i’ll do" Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.

What was it anyway

A man was on a flight to New York from LA. He was sitting next to a blonde lady. He decided to have some fun, so he asked the blonde to play a game. The game went like this: he would ask a question, and if she didn’t know the answer, she would pay him $10, and vis versa. The blonde refused, and tried to take a nap, but the man, instead of giving up, said "I’ll pay you $100 for every question I don’t know, and you can only pay me $10. Okay?" The blonde finally accepted. The man asked: "Who is the leader of Russia?" The blonde promptly handed him a $10 bill. Then she asked: "What is black and white and runs up hills backwards?" The man pondered on this for a while, then took out his laptop and preceeded to check all his references, email all his friends, and ask the question in chat rooms. After an hour the man handed the blonde $100, then asked "What was it anyway?" The blonde handed him a $10 bill and chuckled.

Pissed themselves laughing

There were three nuns in a desert. All three were dying of starvation and thirst. After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour. The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive". She asked one of the nuns to try first. She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up. The head nun screamed " What a waste of space you are, we cud die because of you!!", so she asked upon the other nun to try. The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success. The head nun screamed once again, "Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!". So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. She tried so hard that at the end she farted, and blew all of the flour away, and all the nuns pissed them selves laughin.

The house blew up

ok well, three men were skidiving one day and one jumped out of the plane and a blow dryer fell from his parachute. then when he got to land a little girl was laughing really hard. the man asked why are u laughing? she said a blow dryer fell from the sky and blew my hair straight up! Then the next man jumped from plane and a brick fell from his parachute. when he got to land a little boy was crying. the man asked why are u crying. he said because a brick fell from the sky and made a big bruise on my head. Then the next man jumped from the plane and a bomb dropped from his parachute and when he got to land a boy and girl were about to explode laughing. the man asked why r u laughing they both said grandpa farted and the house blew up.

This tastes like shit

One day, a teacher told her class to sell something and bring her the money for their homework assignment. First, little susy came up and showed the teacher 50$ and said that she sold magazines by telling people that magazines can keep people up to date with current events. Then, little Stephanie came up and said that she sold cookies for her brownie troop by explaining how buying the cookies could help support the brownies. Then, little jimmy came up and showed the teacher 2,435 dollars by selling toothbrushes. The teacher asked him how in the world he made that much money by selling toothbrushes. Little Jimmy said that he opened a chip-dip stand by the side of the road. Every time somebody tried the dip they would say "EW This Tastes Like Shit!" then, Jimmy would say "it is shit, wanna buy a toothbrush.

Pooped in my pants

One day a teacher in class was like, "we are learning a new word today. The word of the day is definately. Can anyone use this word in a sentence?" A boy name billy raised his hand, "the sky is definately blue" the teacher corrected him. "no the sky can be cloudy or dark. so thats not correct. anyone else?" A girl in the back raised her hand. "water is definately clear." the teacher once again corrected a student. "well water can be muddy or merky so thats not correct." Getting a little frustrated she asked, "does anyone else want to try?" A quiet kid named john raised his hand the teacher was suprised so she quickly called on him. He asked her, "are farts mushy?" a little confused the teacher answered "no why." he replied "then i definately pooped in my pants."

Your currency is still intact

Mrs Santa travelling by a DTC bus with her nine childern who occupied seats all over the bus. An irate lady passenger admonished her: Please collect your small change.Mr Santa snapped back: It appears your currency note is still intact.

Never seen to do a thing

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

A Wife or Mistress

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

One rabbit at home

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home

scoundrel called back

A Sardarji went to a doctor with 2 red ears.The Doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered "
I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear".
The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief" Oh Dear!, What happened to your other ear ?".
The Sardar replied "The scoundrel called back".

His shirt, pant, Socks

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his Universityfinal examination. He takes his seat in the examinationhall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, andthen in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off andthrows them out of the window. He then removes histurban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks andwatch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks whatis going on.Oye, I am only following the instructions
- 'Answer in brief'.

Want my Rupees back

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakhtoday and then you'll get the rest spreadout for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I wantit."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the restduring the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! Ifyou're not going to give me my 20 lakhs rightnow, then I want my five rupees back!"